Fishing for Time

Last year I had a breakdown. It wasn’t big and dramatic. Only those very close to me even noticed. I was a high functioning breakdownee.

Looking back it was always on the cards. Lots of dramas and change in recent years coupled with 20+ years of pushing myself to my limits in high stress jobs involving long hours of work and worry. 

It all started very slowly. Sleepless nights, reducing energy and a loss of my passion for living. Somehow I just kind of lost my mojo.

I remember riding my motorbike home one evening and thinking that I didn’t any longer care if I happened to fall off and hurt myself.

It all seemed so normal at the time. I spoke to a doctor about it and he told me that reduced sleep was part of the ageing process and could have a profound effect on motivation. Looking back that was very poor advice.

It all came into clear focus when I quit my job. A job I love but one with enormous demands. The moment I quit I felt a huge sense of relief and immediately began being able to sleep again. I gained an interesting insight from this; I wasn’t excited about my new role, I was primarily excited about having some time off between roles. 

I wanted, needed, to stop for a short while. Catch my breath. Let the events of the previous five years sink in. Mourn the things and people I had lost from my life and celebrate the great new life I’ve been given.

I desperately needed some time.

Time though is now an acutely rare commodity; and we are all very much the poorer as a result.

I recall as a kid, spending hours lay on my back watching the clouds scoot across the sky. At university I would explore new research ideas and concepts in Maths and IT (my areas of study), not because they were part of the syllabus but because we had time available and it seemed exciting to fill it.

In the modern era the world has becoming very effective at filling our time for us. I for one, long to have some time back. Time to be bored, to explore the things I’ve never even thought of, time to stop.

I ended up not leaving my job, instead I agreed that I would take some unpaid leave over the next two years to give me back some time. So it is that this week I’m not working.

Today I went fishing. I spent a good hour chatting to people I’d never previously met. We would start off talking about fish but then moved onto a plethora of subjects; from the environment, to UK steel production, Liverpool FC’s terrible performance last night and even death.

Half a day spent fishing, in the autumnal rain and wind. I didn’t get a single bite from a fish and had to break the bad news to my family that it will be pasta, not trout, for dinner. 

Instead I caught something far more valuable than fish. I caught time. 

I plan to fish again tomorrow, fishing for time could be my newest hobby; next time I’ll take a bigger net though.